How is my research going?
Well, it
took an unexpected dive into my past. Last week, I was finishing the book,
“Live Through This” (for another class) while visiting my father and sister in
the foggy evergreen forests of the Pacific Northwest. I had not spent that much
time with my dad and sister since I was 13. It was wonderful. But the
memories—of good and bad and unspeakable—was near debilitating at times. I had
such a black and white childhood—of sunshine to tornado, fruitful summer to
unforgiving winter—the loss of not what could but what WAS is hard to process.
And the stories from “Live Through This” only etched out the
emotions that had been so well kept.
These things are not detached from my research into my
motherhood. I think I need to understand more of what I hid in my teenage
journals and sketchbooks to understand the woman—the mother—I am now.
I have these pictures I collected from boxes at my dad’s
place. I look through them and mourn what we had: a whole family. And I feel
sick for running away from home, even if it had to be done. But I also see how
much that propels me to love on my child.
As I look at my present, I see how my work needs to go
deeper to those past memories and moments tucked away. I think they will lead me through some of my questions: Why was the transition
to motherhood so hard for me? Why does having a little human dependent on me
awaken a Newness… and then an Oldness that doesn’t want to die? How much of my
mother is in me—and could she have been like me at 25?
Intensely beautiful. Keep going and then allow yourself time to rest and recover.You are doing the hard work that will inform your art/teaching/life.
ReplyDeleteCourtney,
ReplyDeleteFrom another who has experienced great loss and difficulties at a tender age, the process of rejecting, then reliving what was - is painful - no way around it. When I was in undergrad school I wrote a paper that was subtitled "How my life affected my art, how my art affected my life." My professor Josef Garai (who was also head of the department of the Masters of Art Therapy Training Program at Pratt Institute) saw that I was dealing with a heap of pain, and gently suggested I consider going to see a therapist... which I did not do at that time. Several years later I had to see a therapist to work through some of the issues. Many tears... much grieving, but it was necessary for me. Not everyone is the same, but I tend to grieve deep and long for what could have been, what was not, and what was. Future has given good advice. Be kind to yourself in the process.
Thank you both. I decided to allow myself to express through clay today rather than read, write, and think.
ReplyDeleteI thought I'd make some kind of vase that represented my childhood home.
I thought I would make it long and slender and beautiful... and then add a few scuffs and cracks towards the top.
But it turned out awful. Really awful. Like I couldn't even center my ball of clay-awful.
It is lopsided and there's a tear in the center. It leans a little too much. Its fat.
But I went with it. We will see how it looks on Tuesday after the soggy mess dries a bit. It may not last for firing, so I will take a picture when I go visit my perfectly awful vase again.
I will rest on that for a few days.
Pamela is right...sometime we get lost in the process and start being too hard on ourselves but forgot to have faith, patience, and most important to breathe...
DeleteI am on the same page with you...the project i'm working on is oil and oil pastel....the figure I drew is not compatiable with the whole picture...therefore I get frustrated and as much as I want to throw it away...I didn't. I walked away and hoping to come back with different idea...for now...I'm staring at it. Like you told me to let it go and let it create something out of it and same with Future say about paint and figure it out afterward...
So I'm rooting for you!! You can do it!